Hear my #MeToo experience in today’s podcast episode where I am joined by Debbie Unterman, a trusted therapist. Mike Kabeya (WeMentor’s sound engineer and photographer) and I were scared to edit this episode. Once we started listening, each on our own, we were engaged in the whole conversation. It wasn’t too much. It led us to a deeper understanding of sexual abuse and predatory acts. Debbie, Mike, and I feel this is a necessary conversation to have right now. My husband, Matthew is in support of what we are doing, too.

Download Episode  Because the rape occurred with a co-worker, I thought it important and relevant to share. As leaders, we are charged to create and shape the culture within a work environment. We are at a time, my friends, where we need to allow the truth to come forward in all arenas, and its ugliness along with it. We need to bring more secrets out of the shadows where danger and fearmongers capture our souls and immerse us into shaming silence through predatory acts. Let go of the outcomes and fight to understand the truth because ultimately… truth always wins in the end!

“It is always easier to not believe something horrible. There is never a time when you want to think the worst. It is much easier to deny what you hear rather than to dig deeper into the truth,” says Debbie Unterman. Blaming oneself is common. The statistics are 1 out of every 3 girls and 1 out of every 5 boys is sexually abused in some way. Debbie and her colleagues believe the numbers are even higher. It is almost everyone.

Debbie asks, “How can it be that no one is guilty of doing these crimes? Victims’ lives have changed. What is happening to the perpetrator’s conscience if their behavior is condoned and covered up?”

I begin with this Mahatma Gandhi quote, “When I despair, I remember that all through history the ways of truth and love have always won. There have been tyrants, and murderers, and for a time they can seem invincible, but in the end, they always fall. Think of it… always.”

Predatory practices at my work environment in the 1980s eroded my psyche, wreaked havoc on my soul, and created a dysfunctional work culture that led to me being raped by a co-worker. I know for sure he was, and probably still is, a sexual predator.

My life was tumultuous for about ten years where I felt unstable and for a while didn’t care what happened to me. The darkness of the incident and my unsettled feelings showed up externally in my frequently moving residents and my inability to trust anyone. After all, didn’t I get myself into this situation, was my thinking. I shamed on me!

Through years of therapy, I freed my soul. I rewired my psyche and strengthened my inner core. I know my rights were violated in the workplace and I received no protection from those in charge. I trust myself and believe in who I am. YEH! I can now live B.I.G. with boundaries, integrity, and generosity. Brené Brown would be proud!

Now, I am ready to address what is going on around us and give you some mentoring tips to tackle slippery slope behaviors embedded in predatory practices.

We Are As Sick As Our Secrets

I have read about sexual abuse and addiction, incest, and predatory behavior. I began reading at a time where pedophile priest stories were coming to light. My curiosity led to analyzing my Catholic upbringing and questioning why there was so much discord in families, including mine.

I was devastated to learn how the Catholic church hierarchy works. Instead of holding priests accountable for horrific predatory practices, we all now know, they created an insulated environment where collusion took place with entire community leaders who participated in corruption. Sixty-Million of us are affected as Catholics, and the rest of the world by default. There is much needed repairing and healing to be done, criminal charges to be delivered, Cardinal laws to be changed, and faith communities needing to be revolutionized and rebuilt.

We are as sick as our secrets, they say. As a global society our dirtiest little secrets, sexual abuses and predatory practices, are being unearthed and exposed! Powerful sexual perverts hiding in plain sight are in the spotlight being publicly shamed and fired.

This November 21st article in The New York Times Article says it all; After Weinstein: The Fallout of 34 Men Accused of Sexual Misconduct, From Lewd Texts to Rape. The list continues to grow. Last week, Matt Lauer, Garrison Keiller, playwright, Israel Horovitz, and The Metropolitan Opera conductor, James Levine were added to the list of sexual predators. We know there are more being outed and ousted. Our consciousness has been awakened. The Genie is not going back into the bottle. The coming out party for the survivors has just begun #TruthTellersWin!

I am encouraged by this elevated State of Consciousness. The way to stop horrific behavior is to eliminate predatory practices, not deny that they are there. The movie Spotlight helped me understand how sexual predators have isolated and marginalized us. There are millions of victims. Every community in America, and around the globe have been infected and affected. Even if you are not Catholic, you know someone who is, and you know of the predatory practices in the hierarchy of the Catholic church. We have let predatory practices flourish. NO MORE!!!

Instead of punishing, degrading, and dismissing those bringing the truth forward – embrace them! Hear them! Expand your ability to sit with an uncomfortable truth. Allow the truth to sit with you as you empathically feel the impact of what is being said.

Be part of the solution. This might seem scary. Believe me, I have been down this path of coming to terms with hard to understand truths. The journey is well worth every ounce of effort.

We invite you to join and share our movement!

Join Debbie Unterman and I, in facilitating what we hope will be a global movement of truth telling and the promotion of truth tellers!

1. Tweet a response (#TruthTellersWin).
2. Add a comment on our NEW Facebook page (Truth Telling Wins).
3. Mention this episode to Debbie and get a “Free ½ hour Uncover The Truth for Ultimate Healing Discovery Session!” Let Debbie be a listening post for you and discover your strength from her wisdom.
4. Plus, you can get a “Free ½ hour Clarity Session” with me, after you listen to this episode. I will help you sort out how to clean up and clear out leadership practices that no longer are served in the workplace.

Mentoring Tips for Listeners

Slippery Slope Behaviors of Predatory Practices

Debbie and I put together the following list to help you get started on reshaping your work culture. Arm yourself with education. Below are definitions and examples of slippery slope behaviors embedded in predatory practices.

Predatory Practices: rules (written and unwritten) and policies that create a culture of shame, secrecy, and dysfunctionality. Predators use Sensuality, Sexuality, Seduction, and Harassment to exploit victims. These four practices set-up a climate for unwelcome sexual advances, grooming, and criminal activity.

The goal of predators is to have power and control over others. Grooming is a deviant way of breaking down boundaries and imploding the victim’s sense of self. Little by little, the perpetrator goes further and further, and the more they get away with, the more invasive and controlling they become.

1. Sensuality – Everyone has their own way of being sensual. “Sensuality is relating to or consisting in the gratification of the senses or the indulgence of appetite: fleshly.” Merriam-Webster Dictionary

Be aware of perpetrators who will use your sensuality to get access to you. For example, a yoga instructor who has a wide range of music to pick from, chooses mood music to set up a sensually arousing environment where you feel you are being groomed for something other than yoga. Where you intuitively feel like the lines between what’s okay and what’s not okay are blurring.

Notice if the instructor seems emotionally disconnected from creating a safe environment for you to center and ground, and work out in, or is overly hands-on and uncomfortably touchy. This applies to any exercise class.

Use discernment. Know thyself. Take the time to sort out your feelings. An action plan can then be put in place. This plan may be as simple as leaving class, especially if you feel a need to protect yourself, or you feel like something is off.

Empower yourself. I am a person who talks with instructors and gets to know them. That way, if something happens that doesn’t seem quite right, I can approach them with a sensitive topic. I tell male instructors I do not want to be adjusted or touched in any way during class. I give and receive hugs when it feels good for both of us. Creepy feeling hugs never happen twice.

I express what made me uncomfortable with something like, “I had this experience in class where I felt uncomfortable. The music was arousing and sensually provocative. It kept me from being able to connect internally with myself. I was preoccupied and concerned about myself and others being in this environment with you. I am not sure if I will come back to your class, but I feel you need to know what I experienced as a student in your class.”

When giving feedback, you determine what you need to say. If the person seems unapproachable, talk with a superior or someone who has influence with this person. When it comes to sensually provocative situations, act after you have sorted out your feelings. My first course of action is usually voicing my experience with a trusted friend before I give feedback.

2. Sexuality – “is the quality or state of being sexual. The condition of having sex, sexual activity, and an expression of sexual receptivity or interest especially when excessive.” Merriam-Dictionary

“Sexual violence is defined as a sexual act committed against someone without that person’s freely given consent.” To learn about the seven types of Sexual violence go to the following website. Government Centers For Disease Control and Prevention

Media Examples:Matt Lauer Sexual Misconduct Allegations and Charlie Rose Nudity and Sexual Misconduct

Stop the slippery slope behavior or conversation, immediately.

• If a colleague or your boss, invites you to a room where you immediately are wondering what is going on, excuse yourself and call a cab.
• It is inappropriate to talk about: a person’s sex life, appearance in a sexual way, body parts, and dirty jokes. No locker room talk. Those are a few examples of conversations to stop immediately.
• Physically awkward situations and uncomfortable touching, game playing around sexual topics. Eyeing you as an expression of sexual receptivity or interest.

Use discernment. Use your intuition. Investigate their intentions. If it feels wrong, it probably is wrong. Expect the perpetrator to deny the inappropriateness of their behavior. Stand your ground. You know what you know. Do not expect the perpetrator to own their misguided behavior. They may just be sorry they got caught.

Empower yourself. Read about the two examples listed above. Notice the power imbalance and the techniques and tactics used to solicit unwanted sex. When you are in slippery slope conversations, stop the conversation immediately. Disrupt the conversation. Perpetrators test boundaries as a way of choosing their victim by seeing how far they can get. Set limits by sending a direct and clear message that you are not going to be their next victim. Find someone you trust to sort out your next steps.

3. Seduction or Seduce. Seduction is associated with romance and falling in love. Lovers play. Seduction is great if it is mutual. The U.S. Legal Definition of Seduction “refers to an act by which a man entices a woman to have unlawful sexual relations with him by means of persuasions, solicitations, promises, or bribes without the use of physical force or violence. It was a statutory crime in the U.S. until the late 20th century. Some state statutes give a right of action to an unmarried woman for her own seduction. Similarly, in some statutes make it a felony to seduce an unmarried woman.” [ Code of Ala. §] https://definitions.uslegal.com/s/seduction/

Media Example: Alleged Seduction of a 14-Year-Old by Judge Roy Moore Washington Post

The alleged perpetrator in the example, used a common tactic. He offered to help the mother, and then used the situation to access his victim. He developed a friendship with the mother and seduced the victim into participating in a deviant trusting relationship. The victim was unprepared emotionally and psychologically for the adult activity the perpetrator had in mind.

Stop the slippery slope behavior of groomers.

Be aware ofthe grooming stages: victim selection, access to victim, emotional recruiting/deviant trust building, desensitization to touch. This means the perpetrator escalates physical contact to prepare the victim for sexual contact intended for the pending abuse. These grooming stages apply to children, teenagers, vulnerable people, and young adults.
Grooming Stages Research

Use discernment. As a young adult, notice if accidental touching and innocent behaviors seem calculating and deliberately planned. Favors and promises are used to build a false sense of trust, is this happening in the relationship? Check in with yourself, how do you feel when you are with this person? How do you feel when you are alone? Monitor your young adult behavior and notice if you feel not quite right internally. Something might seem off, but you can’t quite pinpoint it or explain exactly what the issue is. Terminate any relationship that doesn’t gradually strengthen your inner sense of who you are throughout the relationship. Learn why there is such a peaked interest in you. Ask yourself, does this person genuinely love me without limitations?

Empower yourself. Familiarize yourself with the grooming stages. No matter what relationship you are in, stay connected with family and friends. Invite a significant other to do activities with other couples, friends, and family. Ask others about how they see you in a new relationship. Keep doing activities that you enjoy. Spend time with a wide variety of people. Notice what you like in other relationships. Refuse to keep secrets. Refuse to allow others to have control over your mind, your body, and your physical space. Refuse to allow others to have control over how you want to spend your time. Act to increase your self-esteem and enjoy getting to know what you want and need in your life.

4. Harassment – is “governed by state laws, which vary by state, but is generally defined as a course of conduct which annoys, threatens, intimidates, alarms, or puts a person in fear of their safety. Harassment is unwanted, unwelcomed and uninvited behavior that demeans, threatens or offends the victim and results in a hostile environment.
Harassing behavior may include, but is not limited to, epithets, derogatory comments or slurs and lewd propositions, assault, impeding or blocking movement, offensive touching or any physical interference with normal work or movement, and visual insults, such as derogatory posters or cartoons.” U.S. Legal Definition

a) Criminal Harassment is unsolicited, annoying, alarming or abusive conduct or words which are threatening, and which are prohibited by law. Legal Dictionary

b) Sexual Harassment. “It is unlawful to harass a person (an applicant or employee) because of that person’s sex. Harassment can include “sexual harassment” or unwelcome sexual advances, requests for sexual favors, and other verbal or physical harassment of a sexual nature.

Harassment does not have to be of a sexual nature, however, and can include offensive remarks about a person’s sex. For example, it is illegal to harass a woman by making offensive comments about women in general.

Both victim and the harasser can be either a woman or a man, and the victim and harasser can be the same sex.

Although the law doesn’t prohibit simple teasing, offhand comments, or isolated incidents that are not very serious, harassment is illegal when it is so frequent or severe that it creates a hostile or offensive work environment or when it results in an adverse employment decision (such as the victim being fired or demoted).

The harasser can be the victim’s supervisor, a supervisor in another area, a co-worker, or someone who is not an employee of the employer, such as a client or customer. U.S. Equal Employment Opportunity Commission

Use discernment. Know thyself. Take the time to sort out your feelings. When it comes to workplace harassment, the perpetrator isn’t going away, and it is difficult to get away. You need help to sort this out. Just know, an action plan is needed, fast.

Empower yourself. Do what you can to stop the behavior and let the person know their behavior is unwanted. Get help right away from someone you trust. Write down the facts. Develop a list of options and figure out a game plan. Follow through on the game plan. Stop the abuse. Assert your rights, whatever that means for you. Seek out professional help to heal. Allow truth to win.

#TruthTellersWin, Episode 102 Debbie Unterman