Episode Notes

A sixth way to ensure integrity in your business records is to create a culture of belonging. A culture of belonging promotes integrity. When people feel they belong, they show you who they are, warts and all. No pretenses, no games. No acting out. We are more inclined to do what is best for ourselves and others with a motivation toward the greater good.  

Belonging is essential to humans, so why are we so bad at creating a culture of belonging at work? We even have difficulty creating belonging in our own families. Fifty-two percent of Americans feel lonely.

 “Isolation is being by yourself. Loneliness is not liking it.” – Unknown Author.

The simple answer to why we are so bad at creating a culture of belonging is that we live what we know and what is taught and role modeled. We haven’t been taught how to belong, even though it is a universal human need. In business, creating a culture of belonging was an outlandish idea until the Covid-19 pandemic hit and the epidemic of loneliness began.

Journalist and critic Robin Kaiser-Schatzlein is coming out with a book called Tyranny At Work. It is about “the authoritarian design of the American workplace and the tools and laws–from “at-will employment, to coercive contracts, surveillance, employer-driven debt, and mandatory arbitration–that make us uniquely unfree on the job. She reveals how much of our lives are spent outside of democracy and what a different arrangement might look like.” Last year, she wrote an article about How Life as a Trucker Devolved Into a Dystopian Nightmare.

We know how to divide and conquer. We know how to isolate and alienate one another. We know how to support specific people and cultures. We know how to be fiercely independent. We know how to compete. We don’t know how to create a business culture and home life that supports interdependence, unconditional love, and belonging.

Research Professor Brené Brown defines belonging as “the innate human desire to be part of something larger than us. Because this yearning is so primal, we often try to acquire it by fitting in and seeking approval, which is hollow substitutes for belonging and often barriers to it. Because true belonging only happens when we present our authentic, imperfect selves to the world, our sense of belonging can never be greater than our level of self-acceptance.”

Accepting ourselves gives those we lead permission to accept themselves. The avenue to accepting ourselves is taking 100% responsibility for our lives so we can feel engaged, hopeful, grateful, excited, confident, inspired, joyful, exhilarated, refreshed, and peaceful. Those are the feelings we experience when we regularly meet our universal human needs.

Belonging is part of our universal human need to connect. We must feel acceptance, appreciation, closeness, communication, consideration, safety, security, and community to connect and feel we belong. We must see and be seen, which takes compassion.

If you create a culture of belonging where people feel they truly belong, you feel connected to those you work with, even if you have differences. We develop a better understanding of another, which expands our ability to have empathy and exercise compassion. When we work without compassion, we succumb to the era of narcissism, entitlement, and incivility. Ramani Durvasula, Ph.D., coined the phrase.

You will frequently hear me talk about Ramani Durvasula, Ph.D. because her videos and books help me to help others move out of this era. One of the ways to get out of this era of narcissism is by creating a culture of belonging. I highly recommend reading “Don’t You Know Who I Am?” How to stay sane in an era of narcissism, entitlement, and incivility. A must-read to support the creation of a culture of belonging. We need to know how narcissistic and toxic people operate because these people in the workplace are rising. Use the ideas below to create a work culture of belonging.

Ideas for Creating a Work Culture of Belonging

• Hire people you value and who value you. To create value, practice self-love, and secure a strong sense of self. This means applying self-compassion daily, self-valuing (fostering healthy relationships), and showing bravery in accurately appraising oneself. Knowing yourself is attractive to other authentic people and vice versa. Valued people bring value to your business.
• Encourage friendships outside of work; include yourself in this practice. Due to the nature of business ownership, one can get myopic and talk about our businesses incessantly, only developing relationships with those connected with our businesses and specialized areas. Cast the net wide and take an interest in various friendships unrelated to your industry. Talk with someone outside your family for 15-20 minutes each day about something meaningful to both of you. This can deepen a friendship and eliminate loneliness. When we feel a connection to others, it engages our innate need to connect.

• Unite in purpose. Building a business with others is an excellent opportunity to curb loneliness and engage people in working toward a greater purpose. Work toward common communicated goals. Power struggles will fall by the wayside. Differences will be shared, accepted, and understood. This forms a sense of interdependence. We are separate people and know we need each other to fulfill our universal human needs.

• Increase your relational literacy. “Relational literacy is the ability to understand and express healthy ways of relating: as social groups, as individuals, to animals and the environment, and even to ourselves. Our errors are our teachers; they guide us toward greater proficiency and awareness, says psychologist, international speaker, and bestselling author of six books Melanie Joy, Ph.D. In her book, Getting Relationships Right: How to Build Resilience and Thrive in Life, Love, and Work, Melanie writes, “What matters most in this process is how we relate to our mistakes. Even a slight increase in relational literacy can lead to significant improvement.” Creating a culture of belonging is a huge step in the right relational direction.

• • Take the time to identify your feelings. Clarify what you mean without making assumptions. Accept people when they show you who they are. You can decide what will and won’t work as you carve out the roles and responsibilities in your work relationships.

• Compassion encourages healthy relating and promotes meaningful relationships. When we understand another’s suffering, empathize, and can offer loving-kindness, we meet our human need to connect and can do this while we work together. Isn’t it more enjoyable to grow a business with people you care about, and they care about you? Consider your decisions and think about the impact your decision has on others. If you become aware that you are causing another to suffer, lead with compassion and stop the suffering.

• • Ramani defines a healthy relationship in this way.“A healthy, loving relationship is reciprocal, respectful, patient, compassionate, empathic, kind, and supportive. That’s it. If, in the midst of that, it is fun, exciting, romantic, sexy, and adventurous, then wonderful.”

• • A healthy work relationship is also reciprocal, respectful, patient, compassionate, empathic, kind, and supportive. What a healthy work relationship is not is romantic, sexy, and intimate. It is not controlling and provocatively fearful. It is not based on superficial desire. A healthy work relationship is based on healthy relating, agreed-upon expectations, and efforts toward mutual common goal achievements beyond oneself. If, in the midst of that, it is fun, exciting, and adventurous, that is a bonus.

• Practice communicating respectfully, with clarity, and with accountability. Allow do-overs when you and others clash. Try again and offer the freedom to co-create a better way of communicating.

• • Give each other space to learn from mistakes without using shaming and blaming tactics that make others feel small and make you look insensitive, self-absorbed, and out of control.

• • Use creativity in how you collaborate with others. Identify how you feel and allow others to communicate how they feel. Collectively, we are tired of this painful era of narcissism, incivility, and entitlement that depletes our energies and leaves us agitated, sad, confused, and wounded. Being heard can solve half of our problems. When people are not allowed to communicate their feelings, they act out them. I am sure you have heard the phrase, hurt people, hurt people. Allow people to connect and get to know each other.

• • Take an interest in getting to know those you work with closely. They are more than a person you employ. They have interests outside of work. You can learn about each other while you work and meet your common need to connect and reach other goals.

• Figure out what you can and cannot control. We tend to dominate and assert power over others when we feel out of control. It is the Authoritarian way. Control over others never moves the dial toward understanding oneself and others. It does the opposite. It fosters disconnection, alienation, and resentment.

• • In small business ownership, although people think you control your destiny, outside variables prove the opposite. The Covid-19 pandemic facilitated a point of reflection around the world—a time to go inward and figure out what is important to us and what is not anymore. Exerting control outside of ourselves doesn’t meet our universal human connection needs. Using our energy to go inward and determine what is controllable helps us share power with others, so we evolve together.

• Create work agreements and contracts that promote collaboration instead of control over others. We can’t control others. We can set up an environment that supports the freedom to choose vs. control. You can instill natural consequences instead of punishment in agreements. All of my legal contracts reflect and respect what each party is bringing to the table. This is called civility.

• • For example, most podcasters don’t have guests sign agreements. I do. I use every opportunity to show that I am protecting and respecting each Guest mentor’s rights, their voice behind the microphone, and their copyrighted content as well as my own.

• • I do this with clients too. I take the time and invest in them. I get their input into the agreements so we both understand what we are doing and why we are doing it. An employee contract can include protective legal clauses for the business and use language that respects the person signing the contract and their options. I have been doing this for decades, and I know it works to create agreements promoting shared control, shared responsibility, and freedom of expression. Allow people their dignity, especially when things don’t work out.

• Use creativity to nurture a sense of belonging in your home. A recent example of creating a sense of belonging in our home occurred on Mother’s Day. I told you we welcomed a new family member a couple of months ago. Letty is our seven-year-old miniature Schnauzer. Matthew, my husband, floated the idea of a Happy Letty Day. He considers Letty the mother of all mothers because she gave birth to nine puppies and made about 45 families happy. Honoring and including Letty in my Mother’s Day celebration expanded our feelings of joy.

 Happy Letty Day to all moms who provide nurturing, guidance, and protection to their pets. Next month, we can celebrate a Happy Letty Day with all the fathers of pets.  DOWNLOAD